Baby vs Me.
Baby vs Me.
Newborn nights and crazy days froze the ever-spinning second-hand. There was no time to ponder what had happened to my previous life. Honestly, there were times that I wanted to point the finger at the baby because my life had no resemblance to its previous form. Yet, it was so obvious that the baby was the gift. A pure, undeserving and beautiful gift.
Days blurred into nights and vice versa. Diapers and feedings filled the hours and time stood still. It was before cell phones and the texting craze that would later change our means of communicating with the outside world. Landlines kept me cornered in one room, unable to multitask beyond the length of its reach. I longed for something to break up the monotony in my new world that had come to a surprising halt. I was convinced that if the house fell over, no one would know that my baby and I could be found at the bottom of the heap.
Bottom line: who was going to survive this baby or me? Most days it wasn’t me.
Days and years added more children and I found my stubborn and independent soul at constant war. A war over significance. Battling for purpose and self-worth. There were times I wondered if I was the best choice to be the parent? Do I have enough patience? Will I mess up these kids? Funny thing, I don’t remember self-worth previously a concern nor questionings over my purpose. My career and ministry had kept my head and my heart full of activity and busy-ness. I could look at the end of the day and go to bed and rest over completed projects and time well-spent which was validated with paychecks, bonuses, business trips and other accolades that come with a career. Now, at the end of the night, I fell into bed in sheer exhaustion and questions that even my most productive days could not squelch.
It would be literally years, no decades before I would find validation of my daily effort. Greg and I knew the kind of children we wanted to raise. We hoped for children who grow into adults and can take care of themselves and those around them. We hoped that our children would make a difference in the world and be a light in the darkness. We prayed for children who would follow Jesus.
We realized pretty quickly that parenting is made up of a bunch of little decisions along the way. My hope for greatness begins in my little day to day choices. My bold dreams for our children were daily met face to face with inconsistencies…not in our kids, but me. Could I stand the test of time and hold faithful through the years? Could I love day in and day out? Could I forgive myself for my mistakes and then how would I handle theirs? Could I choose joy and peace when all around was crazy and loud?
Ouch.
Parenting is so much more about me than I had realized. Maybe that is why it’s so hard because my inconsistencies are daily exposed. My lack of patience and self-control. My independence, strong will, and selfishness were meeting me on the wrestling mat each day. It wasn’t the babies I was wrestling, it was myself.
I slowly began to realize that parenting was not a survival of the fittest, but rather a thriving of the moments. My issues were often comparing where I thought we should be and my feeling inadequate to get us there. Enjoying each moment meant I had to relax and let go of my crazy expectations for perfect parenting and perfect children. With five children, our lives felt out of control and chaotic most times and for me to allow us all to be human and learn to love each other in our messiness is one of the hardest things for me personally. I adore perfect and peaceful, yet it does not take too long as a parent to realize that children are anything but that!
This battle within is one of daily surrender. Meeting Jesus daily on the mat and letting Him have His way in my soul. Trusting Him for our children became a daily exercise. He used these amazing gifts to daily work out of me my selfishness, impatience, a desire for perfection and the struggle to find worth in what I did and not who He is.
This was not a Baby vs. Me life. This was a Me vs. Me life. Children are a gift. A gift that God uses to shape us to be more like Him so we can be filled with His purposes, His love, and His goodness. A gift to give us the richest and sweetest life of all.
“I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve called you friends because I’ve let you in on everything I’ve heard from the Father.”
John 15: 11-15 The message.